The White Queen, episode 7

Posted: July 30, 2013 in Trivialities, rants & other ephemera, Uncategorised

Edward: I’m a shagger.
Elizabeth: I’m a breeder.
Stanley: I’m a schemer.
Margaret Beaufort: To tell you the truth, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be.
Clarence: Let’s go to France!
Edward: I’d rather shag. But why the hell not?
Gloucester: I’ve not forgotten you’re a derp, George.
Clarence: And I’ve not forgotten that you’ve got Warwick Castle, despite the fact that you live at Middleham.
Gloucester: It’s just this pesky truth thing, George. It’s so utterly boring.
Margaret Beaufort: That’s right! I’m a prayer. Oh, and I need another sign.
Woman: Destiny calls!
Margaret Beaufort: Good one, God!
Elizabeth: It’s a boy!
Margaret Beaufort: Here, let me save his life so I can have an attack of conscience when I decide to kill him and his brother in, let’s say, episode 9, just before I send him off to be Perkin Warbeck. Oh, look, he’s breathing.
Elizabeth: I’ll stop being mean to you now.
Margaret Beaufort: Seriously, God… Score!
Anne: I’ve got a baby boy, too. Oh, and he’s frail and angelic®, just like his Dad.
Countess of Warwick: Coldhearted sneer.
Anne: Lock her up!
Gloucester: Done!
Countess: Help me, Anne!
Anne: No, I’m going to stamp my foot and whine, just like a little girl!
Clarence: I’m going to be King of France!
Elizabeth: You can’t be King of France!
Clarence: Can!
Elizabeth: Can’t!
Clarence: Can!
Anthony: I hate war! I’m going to Rome. Bye.
Gloucester: George is going to be King of France.
Isobel: I’m pregnant again. And I still haven’t had sex!
Margaret Beaufort: Dear son, I hate everyone. Except you.
Anne: George is mean and greedy.
Isobel: No, he’s just misunderstood.
Elizabeth: Curse, sneer, bitch, curse.
Isobel: The Queen just cursed us! She’s a witch! And she sent that storm, remember? In episode 3. The one that killed my first child. As storms are well known for doing. Please don’t ask me how I know that, I just do.
Edward: Louis wants to pay us to go away.
Gloucester: No! Let’s fight him!
Clarence: I want to be King of France. You promised!
Gloucester: Well, I’m not taking the money.
Clarence: Can we at least throw Exeter overboard on the way back?
Gloucester: Who’s Exeter?
Clarence: Exeter! You know! Fought at Barnet. Was married to our sister, Anne.
Gloucester: Doesn’t ring a bell. And we only have one sister. I don’t think she has a name. Haven’t seen our around for a while. Wonder what she’s up to.
Clarence: I’m not going to be King of France. So I shall make some unsubstantiated claim about plotting with Louis XI to take the throne of England instead.
Isobel: The Queen’s a witch!
Clarence: I’ll sort it.
Gloucester: I don’t want this French money.
Anne: Then send it back.
Gloucester: Well, it’s here now…
Countess of Warwick: Anne, I’m going to tell you something that makes it clear that whoever wrote this didn’t read the primary sources very well.
Anne: It’s episode 7, Mother. Tell me something I don’t know!
Isobel: George says. George says. George says. Oh, Anne, I think I’m turning back into a limping gazelle!
Elizabeth: George, it’s confrontation time.
Clarence: This isn’t going to end well. I’m off home to commit treason by sorcery.
Elizabeth: Good luck with that.
Isobel: I’ve been poisoned by the Queen! Where’s. My. Sex?
Clarence: Isobel’s dead. And I think there’s an implication that I poisoned her so that I can blame the Queen. Is there no end to my evil?
Elizabeth: Edward! George just called me a witch!
Edward: Well, you are.
Elizabeth: Yes, but I don’t want anyone to know. Meanwhile, I think I’ll turn Anne against him.
Anne: Richard, is it true that you can divorce me and keep my stuff?
Gloucester: In this version it would seem to be.
Anne: Well, in this version George poisoned Isobel.
Gloucester: Amongst other things. It’s just that the truth is…
Anne: Boring. I know. Still, I think the twelve people still watching deserve a little better.
Edward: Let’s parteh!
George: Let me foreshadow from behind this clever mask. Then I think I’ll rant for a while.
Edward: Damn you for spoiling my party! Seize him!
Clarence: Help! I’ve been seized!
Cecily: Oh, please don’t let them kill my ickle Georgiekins!
Elizabeth: Confide, angst, ponder, confide.
Margaret Beaufort: You think you’ve got problems, bitch?
Cecily: Georgiepoohs would never do anything wrong. Watch me beg!
Clarence: Hang on, can we just stop for a bit. Anne’s cookshop schtick was too farfetched, yeah? But it’s perfectly ok to tell the twelve people still watching that I poisoned my wife; and we’re actually going to do the whole butt of malmsey thing?
Executioner: So it would seem.
Clarence: Ok, cool. Just getting it straight in my head.
Gloucester: Half hearted attempt to save George way too late.
Anne: Let’s go home to Warwick Castle. Even though we live at Middleham.
Stanley: There’s a lot of people need to die before your son can become king, Margaret.
Margaret Beaufort: Right… Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret.

  1. Caroline says:

    “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”-Brilliant!

  2. Esther says:

    Thanks so much for the summaries! (Pity that Gregory didn’t get the rights, so I won’t get to see the adventures of the princes at Hogwarts)

  3. I’m one of the twelve people still watching – but only to see if it can get any more bizarre.

  4. 1karla says:

    The only fun in this is the nitpicking 😉

  5. 1karla says:

    Int his series, not in your blog ofcourse Karen

  6. Kathy Hestand says:

    Oh my goodness, this is delightful! And a brilliant satire. My favorite is when Isobel gets pregnant for the second time and still hasn’t had sex. These really are wonderfully hilarious! I might have to watch The White Queen now to get the fullest effect.

  7. tudorqueen6 says:

    Countess of Warwick: Anne, I’m going to tell you something that makes it clear that whoever wrote this didn’t read the primary sources very well.
    Anne: It’s episode 7, Mother. Tell me something I don’t know!

  8. tudorqueen6 says:

    Reblogged this on tudorqueen6 and commented:
    Countess of Warwick: Anne, I’m going to tell you something that makes it clear that whoever wrote this didn’t read the primary sources very well.
    Anne: It’s episode 7, Mother. Tell me something I don’t know!

  9. sonetka says:

    I love it! Damn, Gloucester, considering that it’s Anne’s umpteenth-generation descendants who will get your mortal remains identified 500 years from near when they’re dug up from under a parking lot, you’d think you could take a little more notice of her while you’re both alive :).

    • anevillfeast says:

      Thanks, Sonetka! Anne’s not in TWQ at all, neither is Elizabeth. I think the ‘sister’ – blink and you’ll miss her – back in ep 1 might have been Margaret, but it’s impossible to tell.

  10. Even I was shouting ‘you live at Middleham not Warwick Castle!’ and I know very little about this era … Though I do live in Yorkshire.

  11. Alice says:

    This is a great post haha. I’m still watching The White Queen and still enjoy it.

  12. cat says:

    Your are brilliant and I will really miss your comments when The White Queen finally grinds to a halt. The tedium of watching it is worth every minute so I can compare it with your fabulous episode guide. I agree totally with your earlier comment that it is a pity that this fascinating period in history has got on to the BBC via such a peculiar and disappointing series.

  13. Thank you for this!

    I wonder how many Ricardians are going to be spurred on to write books just to wash the taste of Philippa Gregory (and that hack journalist wossname who just cranked out a similarly-bad book) out of their minds?

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