The White Queen, episode 8

Posted: August 5, 2013 in Trivialities, rants & other ephemera

Jasper Tudor: Henry Tudor, I shall use your full name so our thick as two planks audience has half a chance to work out who you are. Oh, and I’m still Welsh. Still sexy.
Margaret Beaufort: My son’s coming home!
Elizabeth: Has the King made a decision without consulting me? Again?
Edward: Who shall I shag today?
Lizzie: Daddy, you’re getting fat!
Edward: Princess Elizabeth, I shall use your title so our thick as two short planks audience has half a chance to work out who you are. I’m allowed to get fat. I’m King!
Elizabeth: Edward, you’re going to die!
Edward: No, I’m not.
Margaret Beaufort. My son. King. God. All that.
Edward: I think you’re right, Elizabeth. I’m going to die. Fetch Richard!
Gloucester: The King’s dying, we’re off to London.
Anne: Can I just do this spot of foreshadowing before we leave?
Richard: Got here in the nick of time!
Cecily: Take the throne, Richard.
Edward: I’ll never get to see what kind of king my son will make.
Omnes: Neither will anyone else.
Edward: Ok, haven’t got time to mess around with missing wills and disputed codicils. Richard, you’re Lord Protector.
Elizabeth: Damn! That means I can’t make young Edward my puppet.
Gloucester: Can anyone explain why I’m here?
Edward: I trust Richard.
Elizabeth: Have you not been paying attention? All that foreshadowing just went straight past you, didn’t it?
Stanley: One down.
Margaret Beaufort: Four to go.
Anne: Aren’t you glad this writer rediscovered all us forgotten women and retold our stories in such an accurate way?
Cecily: Forgotten? Tell me, who do you imagine would forget me?
Margaret Beaufort: It’s God’s work.
Elizabeth: Ah, this is obviously some strange use of the word accurate that I wasn’t previously aware of. Someone fetch my son so he can be my puppet.
Cecily: Take the throne, Richard.
Gloucester: No.
Anne: Yes. Take the throne. The Queen’s a bitch. What more reason do you need?
Gloucester: I know. I’ll sort it. Jane Shore.
Anne: Throw the whore out!
Jane Shore: I’ll go plot with Hastings. Where the hell has he got to?
Jasper Tudor: You’re not going to England now, Henry Tudor.
Henry Tudor: Then why did you send that girl away? I wasn’t finished!
Edward V: I’m a snivelling brat. There, that should forestall any viewer empathy.
Gloucester: I promised your father I’d keep you safe.
Edward V: Well, not doing a brilliant job so far, are you?
Gloucester: It gets worse.
Edward V: I want Mummy!
Anne: Too bad. So sad.
Elizabeth: I’m going to refer to my son, Richard Grey, by his full name so our thick as two short planks audience has half a chance to work out who he is. Then I think I’ll go to sanctuary.
Lizzie: Mum, we’re witches, right? You and Grandma used your power to make you Queen. And that storm in the Channel, remember? And the mist at Barnet? Why don’t we just magic this all right?
Elizabeth: Erm…
Lizzie: Aren’t we even going to try?
Elizabeth: There is no try, Lizzie. We don’t use magic unless we know it’s going to work. This all ended badly for us so, obviously…
Lizzie: That’s just silly!
Elizabeth: I don’t make the rules.
Anthony Wydeville: I’m a trusting fool!
Stanley: Let me explain all of this to you, Margaret.
Margaret Beaufort: And I’ll join in once I get where it’s going.
Buckingham: I’m going to use Thomas Grey and Edward Rivers’ full names…
Gloucester: And job description.
Buckingham: Yes, that too.
Gloucester: I feel funny. Was that the last of my loyalty to my brother draining away?
Cecily: Take the throne, Richard.
Anne: Take the throne, Richard. The Queen’s a witch. Though, oddly, she doesn’t seem to be using magic this time around.
Gloucester: Arrest everyone!
Anne: Daddy! Daddy! I’m going to be Queen! See me sitting on the Queen chair?
Margaret Beaufort: Ooops!
Anne: Oh, what a give away!
Jane Shore: I’m sleeping with your brother now. Can I come in? I’ve brought vegetables.
Elizabeth: You’re sleeping with Anthony?
Jane Shore: Well, Hastings is still nowhere to be found, so…
Margaret Beaufort: Gossip, manipulate, insinuate, gossip.
Elizabeth: I believe every word you say!
Brackenbury: Anthony’s sleeping with Jane Shore. Arrest him!
Anthony Wydeville: But I’m nice!
Brackenbury: Kill everyone!
Anne: Yes, kill everyone.
Jane Shore: I might be a whore walking half naked through London, but I’ve got me pride.
Anthony Wydeville: Dear Richard, please don’t kill me.
Some dude, I think it might be Buckingham but I’m not sure that makes much sense: Give me your other son.
Elizabeth: No.
Possible Buckingham: Yes.
Elizabeth: No.
Oh, this is just getting silly, all this ‘he turned against Richard, so he must have been against him from the start’, Buckingham: Veiled warning.
Elizabeth: Oh, all right. Come back tomorrow. Quick, get young Richard out of here so he can go be Perkin Warbeck. Now, it’s time for magic. Because I know how this is going to end, I can safely curse Gloucester, confident that it won’t fail. See how it works, Lizzie? I might just throw in a withered arm. And while I’m at it, I might as well curse his wife and son as well.
Anne: Plot, scheme, conspire, plot.
Gloucester: Ow! My arm hurts all of a sudden.
Anne: The Queen’s cursed you! God, I’m good at this.
Cecily: Take the throne, Richard.
Gloucester: Go and execute a few people, Brackenbury.
Brackenbury: Hastings?
Gloucester: Who the hell is this Hastings everyone keeps going on about? Just execute Anthony Wydeville, Richard Grey and anyone else you happen to run into.
Brackenbury: Arrest Stanley! Search the house!
Margaret Beaufort: That’s my God stuff! Don’t touch it! And I’m demented, so you’d better just back off.
Brackenbury: On second thoughts, don’t arrest Stanley.
Buckingham: I’m slimy.
Stanley: Bet you’re not as slimy as me.
Elizabeth: Here, take this ring in child. No-one will notice.
Anne: Take the throne, Richard.
Gloucester: What do you want me to do, Anne? Take the throne or something?
Cecily: Take the throne.
Anne: Take the throne.
Cecily: Bombshell, revelation, bigamy, bombshell.
Gloucester: Everyone knows about that!
Anne: Oh, just take the throne, ffs!
Anthony Wydeville: Let’s work together, Richard.
Gloucester: Nope. Can’t trust you. Besides, I’m going to be King.
Lizzie: Hysterical foreshadowing!
Elzabeth: You can’t know that!
Lizzie: Oh, Mother, please! You forget I’m a witch.
Edward V: Hey, fake brother, come and watch this. Two guys are getting their heads chopped off!
Fake Richard: Cool!
Anthony Wydeville: Aren’t we supposed to be at Pontefract?
Richard Grey: Oh, just put your head down and stop complaining. The sooner it’s done, the sooner we’re out of here.
Anne: Look at me, in my Queen clothes!
Gloucester: Well, that was easier than I expected.
Margaret Beaufort: Is it time for me to smother the Princes yet?

  1. cat says:

    Fabulous! I watched last night and spent most of it laughing out loud. Who/where was Hastings/Buckingham anyway? After last night’s episode of lunacy I don’t think I can stand any more of it. Think I’ll go and read a nice refreshing history book instead. But I will still read your wonderful stuff

  2. cat says:

    you know you love it

  3. Edith says:

    So bad it’s good and causes me to rethink the possibility of Sir Thomas More being rather accurate.

    Thanks for the “inside” laughs.

  4. Jan says:

    This is wonderful – a real antidote to TWQ, which I’ve just endured on iPlayer. Thank you for a very funny, and all too accurate take on Episode 8.

  5. jayne62 says:

    This is better than the series ! Love it Karen

  6. Kathy Hestand says:

    That has got to be the best one yet! I am laughing so hard I’m doubled over and crying! Keep them coming, Karen, and thanks so much!

  7. CaptainJory says:

    This is funny, it is better than the show. “Elizabeth: I’m going to refer to my son, Richard Grey, by his full name so our thick as two short planks audience has half a chance to work out who he is.” – LOL I notced that too.

    “Then I think I’ll go to sanctuary” and live amongst dusty tombs. please.

    There needs to be a much better show about the wars of the roses on tv. There is a petition going round at the moment to get the Sunne in Splendour made for tv. I know it woobyfies Richard a bit, but at least it attempts to be accurate.

    I’ll leave the petition as my website in case anyone wants to sign

  8. Beata Harrington says:

    This is hilarious, I laughed out loud! Brillian!

  9. Suzanne Fox says:

    On a cold, dull, rainy day in Canberra. Your commentary has lifted the clouds and made me laugh out loud. I just love it. I’m down loading the latest episode now. After reading this I can hardly wait to see it. Thank you, keep up the good work.

  10. Esther says:

    Thank you again for the summary! Is the BBC as driven by ratings and related monetary issues as American stations are? If so, how is TWQ doing in that regard? (IMO, if TWQ shows that the Wars of the Roses can make money, we may see the Sunne in Splendour on TV yet …. probably around the time Richard III is formally re-interred.) Or, maybe you could write a script on the Neville family?

    • anevillfeast says:

      Thanks Esther. I have no idea, really, what the BBC’s driven by. Here in Australia, the ABC (our equivalent) is fairly well funded but has to make its way, mainly through program sales overseas (no advertising!), dvd sales and merchandising. Ratings are far less of a concern, which means that they make some good quality stuff, usually Australian stories. They used to buy just about everything the BBC made, but that’s dropped off a bit. There’s no sign of TWQ hitting our shores any time soon, at least not on the ABC. A cable channel will probably pick it up.

  11. SUSAN14 says:

    All previous aside, Karen Clark- that was really funny. Superbly witty 🙂

  12. Brilliant. Was watching this last night on Foxtel and wondering what you would make of it. I don’t think there was much in the whole episode that was accurate. Of course when it started on the completely false premise that Richard was in London and not in the north, what else can you expect..

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